I belong in a Wes Andersen film.

I’ve spent the day pacing the flat, wearing a path from one end to the other. I have this nagging suspicion that I have made a mistake, that I have ventured onto the wrong path. I call it being hyper-self aware but Dave always just says I am crazy. I see my flaws in technicolor, permeating like an aura around my body. I feel like everything I am is a fraud. My aspirations, my past, my present is marred with imperfections and failure–or at least that’s how it feels sometimes.
I am modest but in the sense that I would be more liable to segue from achievements to shame. Uni years spent underachieving, distrust of those who have commended my efforts, and disgust or embarrassment for mis-steps along the way. I worry that this will be my downfall and people will reflect upon my wasted life labeling my experiences as “wasted potential”. This is fear.
I came from an undergrad college where I felt like a small fish engulfed in a huge pond and rather than swim around and find that niche that would grant me belonging–I just sort of became a bottom-feeder. I underachieved and called it humbleness. I was afraid and called it apathy.
So today felt like a day to consider all this and second-guess my life’s work (housed on this hard-drive and not backed-up–”Danger” is my middle name). I need to pull myself together and get to where I am going because my life is so much easier now than it has ever been.
I live a life free of abuse, I have a home, I have food. I am well taken care of and this is my chance to step out and be the person who lives in my dreams.
Not tonight of course but probably tomorrow.

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